Brand Partnerships
A slick, corporate-style rundown of current Name, Image, and Likeness deals — plus an open letter to future sponsors, and a direct line to the front office.
Kirkland Signature
Fruit & Vegetable Pouches
The official high-octane fuel of the 2043 Draft Class. A lucrative multi-pouch contract securing exclusive sideline snacking rights.
Chobani
Greek Yogurt — World Cup Edition
Fueling the ultimate soccer prodigy with championship-level probiotics. The perfect pairing for early morning footwork and dribbling drills.
Pepperidge Farm
Goldfish Crackers
The official halftime snack. Ensuring elite pincer-grasp coordination with every handful grabbed from the spill-proof cup.
Chiquita
Banana Bread
The ultimate post-combine recovery carb. A powerhouse partnership with the globe's top banana supplier to keep energy levels maximized.
“To Whom It May Concern (Fruit Snack Division):”
Please be advised that the undersigned prospect remains fully available for further fruit-snack endorsements, juice-pouch sponsorships, and nap-mat partnerships of any tier. Availability is limited to non-nap hours, subject to change without notice, and contingent on snack quality. We look forward to a long and mutually nourishing relationship.
— The Office of Alfred Bettger
Contact the Agent
For friends and family only: submit a “contract offer” or schedule a playdate below. Real submissions get real replies.