Performance Metrics
Mundane household activities, translated into official combine numbers. Digital timing, live percentile tracking, zero warm-up allowed — exactly how the pros do it.
40-Yard Dash
Time recorded crossing the hallway to reach a forbidden object (Dad's keyboard).
Vertical Reach
Maximum stretch achieved successfully grabbing an item off the coffee table edge.
Broad Jump
Distance achieved launching off the bottom step of the staircase, no warmup.
Stamina
Continuous laps around the kitchen island before requiring a juice-box timeout.
Combine Notes: All results independently verified by the Bettger Household Athletics front office using a phone stopwatch and a tape measure that may or may not have been level. Results not eligible for record-book submission but are, frankly, unimpeachable.